End of a year

I am exhausted.

Perhaps that is a bit hyperbolic. Or at least that’s what I would say at the start of the year, because was I really having it that bad compared to many of my colleagues? These people had families to take care of, courses to completely revamp, students and labs to take care of, and all the stress of navigating the constant changes of the COVID-infused landscape. In comparison to that, my life seemed pretty normal, at least for someone starting a new job. I didn’t attribute any of my stressors to those that they mentioned, so whenever someone told me that it was really unfortunate that I was starting at this time, I kind of wrote it off.

But after a year of this, I can say with a fair amount of confidence that no, I actually am exhausted, and that there’s no point in shrugging off the fact that I was burdened by things of this past year, regardless of their origin. One thing I recently came to a realization about is that you cannot recognize the graces and blessings in your life for what they are, if you do not first acknowledge that which you lack. I can say with certainty that I was lacking for many things, but I am also now able to recognize and name the moments when I was the recipient of generosity and kindness.

In my reflection from the end of the fall semester, I wrote:

Honestly, don’t underestimate the power of a regular check-in with a colleague - as a new person, I’ve really appreciated it, but I think we all need that more than ever now whether you’ve been at the job for a few months or many years.

The number of panicked emails I sent this past semester about one thing or another has really opened my eyes to the need for actual on-the-ground mentorship. It’s one thing to have online support systems and advice columns and stuff like that, but it’s another beast to have someone who’s been in your particular workspace long enough to know the ins and outs of the daily workings, from how to file reimbursements to how to answer students’ pleas for help. For me, it was more than just the practical aspects; it was knowing that I had people on whom I could rely on, people who had gone through similar things, who would understand my concerns.

More than last semester, I think the spring semester challenged the capacity I had to empathize. On the one hand, you have the students who are struggling with school, whether that’s COVID-precipitated or not. On the other hand, you have those who you try engaging with meaningfully, but for whatever reason (a misunderstanding, or desperation) find themselves in a situation where they have to appeal to your charity, which is stacked up against principles of justice and fairness - principles that should indeed bend to charity, all things considered. I often have one of two reactions: to be as accommodating as I can that pushes those limits, or to freeze up in suspicion that my charity is being abused. Working from a headspace that is neither of the above is a continued challenge.

Between trying new assessments and figuring out what a meaningful workload was, I found myself struggling to match expectations of what students wanted for my class and what I thought they needed to know. I am the first to admit that these things did not go the way I wanted them to, and that all the grand plans I had for how this assignment was going to achieve a certain objective completely fell flat on its face. That said, I found my students to be very honest with their evaluation of how class was going from their perspective, and I appreciate their comments to the extent that I can understand where they were coming from. You can’t please everyone, but when something comes up enough times, it’s worth considering.

But even with all the stuff I was giving, I found that my students really rose to the challenge. I was very impressed with the level of detail in their work and the nuance with which they approached assessments of papers and argumentation. In fact, it was a challenge for me to keep up with all the work I had given as well (note to self: don’t give so many assignments or at least make them auto-gradable, the students will thank you and you will thank yourself later). And if I’m honest, I don’t think I did that much of that formation for these students - it’s a testament to the work of other professors and previous teachers who have shaped them to be strong and creative thinkers.

For me, my students were consistent daily models of why I was there, and how much I still have to learn about this profession. At the end of the day, despite being tired and stressed for stretches at a time, I drew strength from their willingness to engage in class and put their best foot forward each day. And so to the extent I could, I always tried to show them the kindness they were showing me for each typo on a slide, each time I had to re-explain a concept because it wasn’t clear the first time, or each time I was rushing through material because I didn’t know how to cut stuff. So at the end of the semester, when I received some notes of thanks, I was really touched that students would go out of their way to reach out to me like that.

(And, of course, I didn’t get completely destroyed in course evaluations, I guess that also helps.)

Certainly, the emotional labour of this job is the most difficult. But I’ve learned that acknowledging and allowing myself to experience that fatigue is the surest sign that I am living the reality of this profession I have come to truly love and embrace as one that I belong to.

Of course, there are also the smaller celebrations:

• A couple of great things that I really didn’t do much for at all, but have been very edifying for me: students of mine who were in my Cognitive Neuroscience classes from U of T giving me updates for their next stages of life! I was actually very happy to hear from them and to learn about the amazing things they would be up to next year (one’s going to med school and another is going into biomedical communications).
• I had the opportunity to participate in a community-building workshop series that taught me a lot about so many of the initiatives that locals are doing that could use support. I’m very excited to build these opportunities into my courses and to continue to bridge that gap between classroom and community.
• A number of publications that were in the works (one all the way from my time with rats in undergrad!) got out of my life were published, phew. And there’s a lot of upcoming opportunities for different kinds of scholarly work - not sure how I’ll find the time to do them all, but I’m sure it’ll work out.
• And lastly, but certainly not least of all: it’s nice to know I have this job next year, too. Best way to improve is to keep working at it!

I’m sure that soon enough, I will be very excited to try to fix all these things I’ve noticed about my courses, adjust my expectations, and dive right into making new course materials. But for now… I’m exhausted, and I sure could use a rest.